150 Steps...In the Present Moment

I'm still here. Just very focused on health and weight loss at the moment. Trying to move ahead with life during "The Wait." So, if you need a good chuckle or two, please come visit my other blog,  80 Sticks of Butter , where you can read all about torture by stability ball, the Fall Fitness Challenge in which I'm currently engaged, and my battle to get and stay healthy. Hopefully we'll have adoption news soon, but until then...it's all about health and fitness.

I was a pretty active kid in middle school, high school, and college -- swim team, theatre, speech team, baseball, and just messing around with friends -- but from the time I was 10 and a half until my sophomore year of college, there was an unbroken thread running through my life:  Troop 82 Providence  and Scoutmaster  Donald C. Dewing . Don founded the Troop in 1927 and was its only scoutmaster until his death in December 1988, just hours after attending a Troop meeting. Don was the heart and soul of 82 and, more than that, he was a friend, mentor, guide, and father figure for the almost 1,000 boys who passed through the Troop's ranks. When I joined the Troop in the summer of 1979, some of the assistant scoutmasters had themselves been scouts in Troop 82 in the 1940s. In many cases, it was a family affair with multiple brothers having passed through the ranks and then returned with their sons, at least one of whom was explicitly named in honor of Don Dewing. We spen...

All's quiet on the adoption front. Chris and I have some decisions to make about potential changes to our profile. And we're going to re-do many of our photos in the coming months as we both shed the pounds. But otherwise... [ Insert the sound of crickets here ] I had been eager a while back to get the guest room turned into a nursery, but with the start of my busy, busy season at work and the new focus on weight loss with its attendant time commitment (prepping food and taking time to exercise...) I ended up not getting around to painting as I had planned. Perhaps Columbus Day Weekend would be a good time to do that.  Hoping for news soon, but attending to life in the meantime.

When? The question pops up in my mind frequently these days, much as I try to be in the present moment and not worry so much about the future.  When? We had our company picnic a few weeks ago and it was Baby Central. A newborn, a few one year-olds, some toddlers. Baby Central. And I visit them all.  Everybody's kids and grandbabies. I hold the newborn who decides at the moment to let out a great wail. So I hand him back to his grandma who laughs and says, "It's nice when they aren't yours and you can still do that." "He wants his grandma," I reply, "he doesn't know me."  When? I play a game with a colleague's one year-old daughter. We roll a soccer ball back and forth along the ground to each other. She smiles and laughs each time it comes back to her and laughs even harder as she sends it back towards my waiting hands. Someday I'll be playing this game with my daughter. When? Another grandbaby at the picnic ...

The phone is silent. No emails from the adoption facilitators. Adoption feels very far away right now. My focus is on work and getting healthy. I'm writing entries in the new blog about the other journey that I'm on right now. I try not to think about how long we've been waiting or how long we'll have to wait. Life goes on. Life goes on.

I regularly run into situations at work where I or another colleague make a cultural reference and are greeted by blank stares by younger members of the staff. More than once, insightful references to "The Breakfast Club," the single big hit by "a-Ha", and "Magnum P.I." have fallen flat with a portion of the conversational participants. Thankfully, references from the early 90s at least still manage to get that "oh, I understand what he's talking about" look. Intended to help teachers understand how their students' frame of reference is dramatically different, the  Beloit College Mindset List  for the Class of 2014 just makes me realize just how much has changed from when I was in college to the students who will be working for us as interns this year (#19 "They never twisted the coiled handset wire aimlessly around their wrists while chatting on the phone."; #46 "Nirvana is on the classic oldies station."). Geewhi...

I step on the scale again today to check my weight. Stupid, I know. Shouldn't really weigh yourself everyday when losing weight. But I can't help myself. Because I keep thinking that I'm not really losing weight. Somehow in my head I've convinced myself that I was just "overly dehydrated" a few days ago when I weighed myself and so when I step on the scale again today that those three pounds will be right back where they were.  I just assume the worst. How crazy is that? I've been carrying around this weight for so long now that I sorta dumbly resigned myself to the fact of being Fat Old Jenn. And there is a part of me is who is desperately afraid - despite all current evidence to the contrary - that I'll never get rid of the weight. That I always be just Fat Old Jenn. But here's the thing...I wasn't dehydrated a few days ago and those 19.5 pounds I've lost this year -  still gone ! I stand there on the scale today and the num...