150 Steps...In the Present Moment

It's hard for me to believe that my amazing girl is almost three years old. And that I haven't written on this blog for more than two years. What the heck happened?? Motherhood. That's what happened. Diaper changes, sleep deprivation, walking circles around the kitchen island in the middle of the night trying to get her back to sleep, schlepping her in the car seat here and there, teething, barfing (her, not me), bottle feeding, baths, sleep deprivation, multiple daily clothing changes, getting barfed on, getting barfed on some more, getting barfed on again, sleep deprivation, crying in my car because I'm so tired, hearing her first laugh, seeing her first smile, watching her roll, then scoot, then crawl, then pull herself up, then take her first step, and more steps, then run, then say her first word and her second word, trips to the playground, more trips to the playground, etc. etc. etc. Losing myself entirely for almost three years in this wonderful, t...

It's difficult for me to describe witnessing my husband hold his daughter for the first time. I'm not sure that I can beyond including the above photo in this post...It's still my absolute favorite photo of the two of them together. The quiet wonder and joy of the moment. Several hours or so before this photo is taken... I tuck Esme into her carrier and load her into the car to make the trek to the airport to pick up Chris, who is finally able to travel to Orlando to be with us for the weekend. According to the airline website his flight is on time so I expect to park the car, meet Chris at baggage claim and have some time to introduce him to his daughter. Imagine my surprise and dismay when I receive a text mid-way on my drive to the airport that his flight is 25 minutes early.  Crap.  So, now I'll be picking Chris up curbside. A short time later I see him standing there with his backpack slung over his shoulder. Smiling. Looking a little tired and nervous....

"I don't know how you did that! Taking care of a newborn all by yourself in a hotel room! I couldn't have done it." Numerous people express these sentiments to me upon our return home with Esme. "Well...I didn't really have a choice," I reply.  I'm sure before all of this craziness happened if someone had told me that I'd be spending 10 days with an infant in a hotel room, the majority of those ten days alone with her, I probably would have fainted at the prospect. Fainted dead away.  But the truth is that once we get to the hotel and it's just Esme and me...I'm more relaxed than I have been in almost three years. After the insanity of our failed adoption in March, getting the news of Esme's birth on the heels of Hurricane Irene and the mad rush of getting myself to Florida, after the agonizing and waiting, making the final pact with K, nasty Nurse Stink Eye, the signing of the papers, the clueless attorney, and finally (p...

I started this blog (and foolishly let it lapse right  just as things got interesting ) to document the journey that my wife and I had started as we sought to adopt a little girl. The blog was kicked off shortly after a friend asked about the adoption process. I started to explain all the things we were doing and still had to do before giving up and saying, "If the adoption process has 150 steps, we're on step 6." Now, almost three years later, we've reached and completed step 150. Today, the judge finalized the adoption of our baby girl, making us legally and forever a family. Over the last 6 months, she's captured such a huge part of my heart that I can't really remember what it was like before she dropped into our lives so suddenly. Actually, it's not that I can't remember. It's that I don't really care to. I can't imagine life without her, even the occasional barfing. I'm actually having some difficulty processing that fact t...

My stomach is doing uncomfortable flip flops. I sit on one of the couches in the airy third floor hospital lounge, but it's impossible to get comfortable. From time to time I get up and walk around just to be doing something. When I'm not walking or glancing at the door, I'm sending text messages to Chris. 10:50 AM [ME]: I signed all the papers. The attorney now in with K having her sign everything. OMG. This is really happening. 11:01 AM [CHRIS]: I'm at my desk. Having a bit of trouble breathing. 11:01 AM [ME]: me too 11:20 AM [CHRIS]: Anything? 11:20 AM [ME]: Still waiting 11:21 AM [CHRIS]: This is nerve-wracking. 11:21 AM [ME]: What about this entire experience hasn't been nerve-wracking??? 11:22 AM [CHRIS]: Bonus wracks for being so close to it happening. I'm sorry I'm not there with you. 11:22 AM [ME] I'm sorry too. But you'll be here tomorrow and we will just get to hang out without anyone else around! Two hours earlier I ...

"I can't get her to wake up to eat," I say quietly to the night nurse, B. "She is sleeping so deeply. I've tried everything, but she just won't wake up." I'm very worried about this because the baby hasn't eaten in more than two hours. Nurse Stink Eye, upon returning the baby earlier in the evening after her tests are complete, looks at K and reminds her that because the baby is so small she needs to eat every two hours. No exceptions. She looks at me with the evil Stink Eye and says nothing before leaving the room to sign off from the day shift. I don't know if it's me personally that has her so up in arms or adoptive moms in general. Regardless, I'm relieved knowing that she won't be back this evening. "Ahhh, give her to me," says Nurse B with a big smile. It's obvious that she loves babies. It's late. 11 p.m. or so. K is sound asleep after taking a sleeping pill and I've been sitting with the baby fo...

"Wow..." I say softly to the bundle in my lap, "you are a very tiny little person," The very first thing I ever say to my daughter. I'm sitting on the low, pink couch next to K's bed. The baby lays along the length of my thighs. One of my hands gently cups the back of her head (her little head barely filling the palm of my hand at all) while my other hand rests gently on her tummy. My hand covers her entire body she is so little (I learn later that she is 5 pounds 9 ounces...pretty much the smallest a newborn baby can be without needing to spend some time in the NICU.) A teeny face peeks out from between a pale blue/pink striped hat and the swaddling blanket. The face has dark skin (I'm surprised that her skin is more pale than I had expected) no discernible eyebrows yet, barely visible eyelashes, a broad-ish nose, and a sweet heart-shaped mouth. She is sound asleep. I look up to see K watching me with her daughter. Her face is unreadable. I ha...