In the Present Moment: 48 hours later

48 hours since we received The News.

 Somehow I make it through yesterday, although I can't say that the day is particularly productive.

 Last evening we meet my MIL and her hubby for dinner out at a favorite Thai place. Chris is running late so I go in by myself. My MIL hugs me really tight. I say to her, "You cannot start crying. No crying."

 "Nope. No crying," she says into my shoulder, still holding me tight.

 Dinner turns out to be fun. When Chris arrives we talk just a little bit about the disrupted adoption, but soon move on to other topics. It feels good to laugh. To feel normal. To actually feel something after the numbness of the day.

 This morning I'm trying to figure out how I'm feeling. Can't really decide at the moment. Sort of numb and not numb all at the same time. Maybe it's like when you have dental work done and the Novocaine starts to wear off: You can talk mostly normal, but you still feel kind of weird and half-numb.

 Yeah, that's it.

 And now I have to face the day. 

 The thing is that I... I don't want to face the day the way it is. I want to be facing the day thinking that this weekend we are getting on a plane to go meet our daughter for the first time. And that I'll be out on maternity leave next week. And that we'll finally be parents going through the big change that we've been preparing for for the last two years. I want to rewind 72 hours and be in that place of excitement and hope again.

 Man, this just sucks.

 Hmmm...apparently I'm a little more than half-numb this morning.

 Apparently I'm a little mad.

 Not mad at L or her decision - again, I truly only wish her and her family happiness.

 Instead, I'm mad at the Universe and mad at myself for getting excited and getting my hopes up. Mad at myself for waiting until I was 41 to decide that I wanted to be a parent. Mad at the stupid body I have that requires me to take medication that will not allow me to get pregnant. Mad at the adoption agency that led us to believe that this process would be quick. 

 Mad.

 Mad. Mad. Mad.

 Well, shit.

 This isn't how I want to feel. 

 But this is where I'm at. So, I guess I'll head off to my office and put up my "Please Do Not Disturb" sign while I try to get through the day.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

150 Steps: Square One

Our profiles are posted again on the adoption agency's websites. When our profiles  originally went live , I remember a sense of anticipation, of imminent success, and the excitement that came with taking such a big step. Today, seeing them posted again makes me feel tired and worn out. It feels like we're back to Square One. When we first decided to adopt, we spent lots of time answering questions, explaining the process to friends and family. Now, we're explaining what happened and where we go from here. Returning from the gym this morning, I was standing outside and our neighbor across the street stepped outside and called over, "Hi Chris! You guys must be getting so excited!" I expect that this will continue to happen as we see friends and colleagues over the coming weeks who might not have heard the news. They ask because they care and they're excited for us and I have to answer them because they're grieving a bit for us now, too. We are part o...
Read more

150 Steps: The 150th Step

I started this blog (and foolishly let it lapse right  just as things got interesting ) to document the journey that my wife and I had started as we sought to adopt a little girl. The blog was kicked off shortly after a friend asked about the adoption process. I started to explain all the things we were doing and still had to do before giving up and saying, "If the adoption process has 150 steps, we're on step 6." Now, almost three years later, we've reached and completed step 150. Today, the judge finalized the adoption of our baby girl, making us legally and forever a family. Over the last 6 months, she's captured such a huge part of my heart that I can't really remember what it was like before she dropped into our lives so suddenly. Actually, it's not that I can't remember. It's that I don't really care to. I can't imagine life without her, even the occasional barfing. I'm actually having some difficulty processing that fact t...
Read more

In the Present Moment: New blog...new mom (almost)

New blog...New mom (almost) I tried blogging once before...for three whole days. At the time, I don't think that my heart was truly in it so I deactivated my blog before anyone other than my husband had a chance to read it. But now I have something to blog about...something about which I am truly excited...our new Little One! ...Well, the Little One that will be joining our family in the (hopefully) near future. My husband and I are on the road to adopting a child - or as it's been described in several of the adoption books we have in the house - "the adoption journey." We're at the very beginning of the Yellow Brick Adoption Road. I've created this blog to record our journey and to keep our friends and family updated on our progress toward becoming "Plus One." It's late and I need to head to bed...to read just a few more pages in the baby name book that I bought for my husband and so far haven't let him read. More tomorrow.
Read more